I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
