I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
