it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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