I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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