dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
