hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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