whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
