I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
