My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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