i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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