happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
