she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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