Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
