The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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