i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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