Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
