Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
