Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
