So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I love you.
Bad choice
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
