Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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