When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
