if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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