I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
