my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
