turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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