I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
