I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
