planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
