I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
