He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
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At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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