i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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