Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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