"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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