he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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