So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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