1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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