just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
