she told me i tasted like america
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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