Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
