Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
how do flat chested girls get laid?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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