i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
