did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
