If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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