what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
