I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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