so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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