I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
