Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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