I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't turn off my feet"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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