my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
