I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize