So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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