My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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