I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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