i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
