You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
