I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
