A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I supernannyed him into submission
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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