i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
