so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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