I think my fart just growled at me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
God, I missed his penis.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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